[IBL] Sand Crab Post Season Awards

[Doug Palmer]

*<ok, this year I wrote fewer funny emails about the Crabs.  Consider it my
holiday present to you!  So here, to make up for the lack of brevity, I
give you the 2016 Sand Crab Awards, already in progress>*



Ladies and gentlemen, we have come together here in this Kiwanas…um…..room
I guess you’d call this, to partake in fresh cookies (thank you to Micheal
Cuddyer’s mom for bringing enough for everyone) and celebrate the 2016
Crabbies.  The only award show not shown on TV, celebrating another year of
Sand Crab Baseball.  And now, on to the awards as we have to finish up by 8
because that’s when the girl scouts need the room for their troop meeting.


*Rookie Crab of the Year*: this one was closer than one would have thought,
but in the end, I think that the right one won.  Kyle Schwarber is the
winner this year, narrowly beating out Mychal Givens for the award.  Kyle
knocked in 19 homers and batting a robust .278 in his limited at bats.
Unfortunately, my crystal ball tells me that he’s going to have plenty of
time to catch up on The Walking Dead next year, as he’ll be uncarded.  But
I sense good things after that!


*Crab Most Likely to be Traded (and wasn’t)*: This was a tough one as most
EVERY Crab ends up on the most likely to be traded list each season (yes,
I’m looking at you Anibal!).  But this year, while there were MANY trades
(seven if I remember correctly), the one player that EVERYONE thought would
be dealt and wasn’t was Micheal Cuddyer! (*despite Jed’s best effort*s)
 Michael couldn’t be here tonight as he has already sold his home, fired
his agent, and has moved to parts unknown.  Michael, if you hear about
this, your award will be at Jeremy Affeldt’s house.


*Sand Crab “They were on the team?” Award*:  This one goes to the player
who was on the roster all year and made hardly any impact.  Again, an award
that has had many prestigious winners (Chris Coste, wherever you are, we
love ya!) but this year the winner was a no brainer.  Come on down Preston
Tucker!  Many thought that he was around because he was Chris Tucker’s
brother or cousin or something.  But truth is, he’s just a mediocre
ballplayer who got in a handful of games but lord if I can remember
ANYTHING that he did.  Preston, when you’re working at that Walmart down
the road, remember that NO ONE can take away this award.


And now for the big awards


*Sand Crab Ace of the Year:*  To present this award, two time SCAY winner
and former Sand Crab Legend, Jon Garland!  Jon: It is my pleasure to
announce this year’s winner of the Sand Crab Ace of the Year.  I hope that
this winner will not suffer the fate that I have received since winning the
award.  I tell you, those people living in my basement were RENTERS
dammit.  Anyway, the winner of this years award goes to Jake Arrieta.
Jake, could you please stop those ridiculous yoga poses for 2 seconds and
take this damn thing before I shove it up your…. Announcer: HEY!  Thank you
Jon for those stirring words.  Jake wasn’t always his dominant self, but he
went 18-13 this year and won the big games when they counted down the
stretch.


*Jack Cust Award:* This award, named after the only member of the Sand Crab
Hall of Honor to date, goes to the hitter who was the most valuable one on
the roster.  A hitter who came to play day in and day out and who always
seemed to be there when we needed it.  And while many could have claimed
this award, only one takes it home.  The 2016 recipient of the Jack Cust
Award is……Eric Hosmer!!!  While hitting .299 this year, Eric was an
exceptional defender (despite his G range) and seemed to come up with the
big hit whenever he played.


And lastly, we’re very proud to announce that in 2017, we will be adding
another name to the Sand Crab Hall of Honor.  He’s a player who epitomized
what it was to be a Sand Crab back in the dark days (those days when we
turned off the power at 6pm because we couldn’t afford the electricity).
Ladies and Sand Crab Hall of Honor……*TYLER COLVIN*!!!!!!!!!!


Thank you everyone for attending this years event.  We apologize for the
timing, but who in their right mind would have thought that the Sand Crabs
would be playing post season baseball!!!!  We’ve had to postpone the
Baltimore Flea Market and Motorcycle Show which was normally scheduled for
the week after the season ended.  Man, those senior citizens were MAD.
Anyway, thank you to everyone for another wonderful season of Sand Crab
baseball.


And to *all of you owners* who have rooted for the Sand Crabs this and
every year, a hearty thank you from the management.  I can’t tell you how
many “congratulations” emails I’ve received.  Even from the ones who
screwed me over in trades (I kid!..all trades are fair!).  If this season
proves anything, it’s that *ANY *team can contend and that *ANY *team can
build a winner if you have patience, time, and don’t mind being told how
valuable BJ Upton really is (I KID!!!  Man, what a tough audience).  Once
again, thank you!!!  It's YOU GUYS that make the IBL fun.

Doug Palmer
GM and Emcee
Baltimore Sand Crabs
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