[IBL] IBL Sand Crab Trade Flyer/Missive/Diatribe

[Doug Palmer]

It’s insane!!!!





It’s out of this world!!!





It’s better than that stupid Toyota Sale-a-thon that they run every 10
minutes on the TV!!!!



IT’S………SAND CRABS ON THE MARKET!!!!!



You’ve seen crazy deals before.  You’ve even seen marginally good deals
before!  But you’ve *NEVER *seen deals like THESE before!!

Are you in the market for a catcher?  Well, I’ve got one….but he’s so
much *MORE
*than just a catcher.  He is a family man who cares about his community and
how we treat this earth.  He enjoys composting, 11th century literature and
most importantly, long walks on the beach.  I give you……..KURT SUZUKI.
Yes, Mr. Suzuki, or as I have been asked to call him….Mr Suzuki, has quite
the lovely card if you’re looking for a backstop who won’t break the bank.
Sure I could spout his numbers (102/132/130 vs LHP, 97/124/120 vs RHP) but
he is so much more than just numbers.  He’s a family man.  He sings in his
choir.  And he’s a 7/F/+2/VG/o catcher with a 58/VG bunt line.  Yes, you
read that right.  A VG bunter!  Amazing that this kind of talent is on the
market.  Not since Sal “Right Arm of God” Butera has a catcher like this
been on the market.

“Doug” you say…”but I’m not in the market for a once in a lifetime catcher
who can cook”.  OK then…how about a card that puts the ZOI into ZOID????  A
card and a player who is so remarkable, so ingenious, so……well, I simply
have run out of words to describe this human being (if he is in fact
actually human).  His name is Michael Cuddyer but you can call him….um……Mr.
Cuddyer works actually.  There are pitchers in the league who have
threatened to RETIRE if Cuddyer is allowed to bat back to back.  Which is
understandable since that’s really against the rules of baseball, but
nevertheless, it speaks to his prowess at the plate.  125/171/170 vs
lefties and 120/144/179 vs righties.  You read that right folks.  Gaze in
amazement.  And that’s not all.  He’s also a -1 arm in Left Field!!!
There’s an urban legend about how Michael Cuddyer once threw out a
runner….a GOOD runner…..at home with nothing more than his right arm and a
stiff tail wind.  It’s true.  I saw it.  Well, I didn’t actually SEE it, it
was more something that I read somewhere on an airplane.  Those magazines
on those airplanes are really pretty neat.  But I digress.  SURE….it’s true
that Mr Cuddyer no longer plays baseball and that this is his last
card…..for NOW!  After he spends a couple years, travelling across the
world in search of those who’s lives have been wronged so that he can set
them right, the longing for baseball will return and Mr. Cuddyer may once
again roam the vast green acreage of left field again.  <sniff….sniff…….I’m
not crying…..it’s allergies>

And last on the cornucopia that is the Sand Crabs Trade Flyer 2016…..a
man….a man who is so special, if you took his last name and jumbled the
letters around, would spell “At Jade”.  Which I believe is latin for “can
turn the double play very well”.  It is the man, the myth, the LEGEND that
is Ruben “Don’t call me Miguel” Tejada.  This card has to be seen to be
believed.  It is rumored that the card is a misprint, it is so good.
129/182/180 vs Lefites and 126/183/164 vs Righties.  Yes, you saw that
right.  Those are 8’s in those numbers.  He can play SS with the best of
them (an 8 error rating) and if you squint just right, that “I” range
almost looks like an “E”.  But it’s actually an “I”.  I checked.  Look at
your roster.  Look at who you’re penning into SS on that lineup card.
Aren’t you *ASHAMED *of yourself?  Do you write your shortstop’s name in
pencil because you KNOW that you want to erase it?  You won’t have that
problem with Miguel “Don’t call me Wilfredo” Tejada.  You will write his
name down in PEN when you have Miguel on your roster.  And you will do it
with PRIDE in your face.  Pride that will scare your children and will make
your wife hide in fear.  That’s the kind of pride that comes when you
write….no……ENSCRIBE the name “Miguel Tejada” in your scorecard each week..

Now, I could be a real prick and say that ANY one of these fine ball
players are worthy of your #1 draft pick this winter.  I’ve seen owners
spend their #1 picks on FAR less talent and seem happy <cough, cough>.  But
I will NOT insult your intelligence.  No, I will not!  I care about you and
your team TOO much to demand a #1 pick for this kind of talent.
Besides….we’ll all friends here.  We’re all in this league for the
camaraderie and the  jovial nature that goes with dealing with her majesty,
the rollbot each week.  So I’m not looking for a #1 pick.  I’d scoff if you
offered it.  Scoff I say.

I’m looking for draft picks further down the rounds.  I’m looking for a guy
who might be able to play centerfield next year.  I’m looking for a pitcher
who can identify home plate and who isn’t afraid of the catcher because he
wears a mask and it reminds him of that one summer he went to camp with the
Cub Scouts and….well….let’s just say that camp will never put on “Phantom
of the Opera” again.  What six year olds are doing putting on Phantom is
beyond me.  On a happier note, said camp is giving “Equis” a go this
summer!  Tickets available!!

So…in summary (you’re still with me?  Good showing old chap!)

Suzuki, a big hearted catcher with lots of love to go around

Cuddyer, a brute of a man who wields a bat like Rosanne Barr wields a fork

Tejada, no not Miguel and not Wilfredo.  It’s Ruben, and his card is to die
for. To DIE for.

Operators are standing by……



Doug Palmer

Owner Baltimore Sand Crabs

Author of "Who wrote this &^^#%????" coming out this spring in paperback
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