<div dir="ltr"><p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><font size="4">It’s insane!!!!</font></p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"></p><div><font size="4"> </font></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"></p><div> </div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><font size="4">It’s out of this world!!!</font></p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"></p><div> </div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"></p><div> </div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">It’s better than that stupid Toyota Sale-a-thon that they
run every 10 minutes on the TV!!!!</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"></p><div> </div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><font size="6">IT’S………SAND CRABS ON THE MARKET!!!!!</font></p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"></p><div> </div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">You’ve seen crazy deals before. You’ve even seen marginally good deals before! But you’ve <b>NEVER </b>seen deals like THESE
before!!</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">Are you in the market for a catcher? Well, I’ve got one….but he’s so much <b>MORE
</b>than just a catcher. He is a family man
who cares about his community and how we treat this earth. He enjoys composting, 11<sup>th</sup> century
literature and most importantly, long walks on the beach. I give you……..KURT SUZUKI. Yes, Mr. Suzuki, or as I have been asked to
call him….Mr Suzuki, has quite the lovely card if you’re looking for a backstop
who won’t break the bank. Sure I could
spout his numbers (102/132/130 vs LHP, 97/124/120 vs RHP) but he is so much
more than just numbers. He’s a family
man. He sings in his choir. And he’s a 7/F/+2/VG/o catcher with a 58/VG
bunt line. Yes, you read that right. A VG bunter!
Amazing that this kind of talent is on the market. Not since Sal “Right Arm of God” Butera has a
catcher like this been on the market.</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">“Doug” you say…”but I’m not in the market for a once in a
lifetime catcher who can cook”. OK then…how
about a card that puts the ZOI into ZOID????
A card and a player who is so remarkable, so ingenious, so……well, I
simply have run out of words to describe this human being (if he is in fact actually
human). His name is Michael Cuddyer but
you can call him….um……Mr. Cuddyer works actually. There are pitchers in the league who have
threatened to RETIRE if Cuddyer is allowed to bat back to back. Which is understandable since that’s really
against the rules of baseball, but nevertheless, it speaks to his prowess at
the plate. 125/171/170 vs lefties and
120/144/179 vs righties. You read that
right folks. Gaze in amazement. And that’s not all. He’s also a -1 arm in Left Field!!! There’s an urban legend about how Michael
Cuddyer once threw out a runner….a GOOD runner…..at home with nothing more than
his right arm and a stiff tail wind. It’s
true. I saw it. Well, I didn’t actually SEE it, it was more
something that I read somewhere on an airplane.
Those magazines on those airplanes are really pretty neat. But I digress. SURE….it’s true that Mr Cuddyer no longer
plays baseball and that this is his last card…..for NOW! After he spends a couple years, travelling
across the world in search of those who’s lives have been wronged so that he
can set them right, the longing for baseball will return and Mr. Cuddyer may
once again roam the vast green acreage of left field again. <sniff….sniff…….I’m not crying…..it’s
allergies></p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">And last on the cornucopia that is the Sand Crabs Trade
Flyer 2016…..a man….a man who is so special, if you took his last name and
jumbled the letters around, would spell “At Jade”. Which I believe is latin for “can turn the
double play very well”. It is the man, the myth,
the LEGEND that is Ruben “Don’t call me Miguel” Tejada. This card has to be seen to be believed. It is rumored that the card is a misprint, it
is so good. 129/182/180 vs Lefites and
126/183/164 vs Righties. Yes, you saw
that right. Those are 8’s in those
numbers. He can play SS with the best of
them (an 8 error rating) and if you squint just right, that “I” range almost looks
like an “E”. But it’s actually an “I”. I checked.
Look at your roster. Look at who
you’re penning into SS on that lineup card.
Aren’t you <b>ASHAMED </b>of yourself?
Do you write your shortstop’s name in pencil because you KNOW that you
want to erase it? You won’t have that
problem with Miguel “Don’t call me Wilfredo” Tejada. You will write his name down in PEN when you
have Miguel on your roster. And you will
do it with PRIDE in your face. Pride
that will scare your children and will make your wife hide in fear. That’s the kind of pride that comes when you
write….no……ENSCRIBE the name “Miguel Tejada” in your scorecard each week..</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">Now, I could be a real prick and say that ANY one of these
fine ball players are worthy of your #1 draft pick this winter. I’ve seen owners spend their #1 picks on FAR
less talent and seem happy <cough, cough>. But I will
NOT insult your intelligence. No, I will
not! I care about you and your team TOO
much to demand a #1 pick for this kind of talent. Besides….we’ll all friends here. We’re all in this league for the camaraderie
and the jovial nature that goes with
dealing with her majesty, the rollbot each week. So I’m not looking for a #1 pick. I’d scoff if you offered it. Scoff I say.</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">I’m looking for draft picks further down the rounds. I’m looking for a guy who might be able to
play centerfield next year. I’m looking
for a pitcher who can identify home plate and who isn’t afraid of the catcher
because he wears a mask and it reminds him of that one summer he went to camp
with the Cub Scouts and….well….let’s just say that camp will never put on “Phantom
of the Opera” again. What six year olds
are doing putting on Phantom is beyond me.
On a happier note, said camp is giving “Equis” a go this summer! Tickets available!!</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">So…in summary (you’re still with me? Good showing old chap!)</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><font size="4">Suzuki</font>, a big hearted catcher with lots of love to go around</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><font size="4">Cuddyer</font>, a brute of a man who wields a bat like Rosanne Barr
wields a fork</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><font size="4">Tejada</font>, no not Miguel and not Wilfredo. It’s Ruben, and his card is to die for. To
DIE for.</p><div></div><p></p>
<p class="gmail-MsoNormal">Operators are standing by……</p><p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><br></p><p class="gmail-MsoNormal"><br></p><p class="gmail-MsoNormal">Doug Palmer</p><p class="gmail-MsoNormal">Owner Baltimore Sand Crabs</p><p class="gmail-MsoNormal">Author of "Who wrote this &^^#%????" coming out this spring in paperback</p><div></div><p></p></div>